When You're Gone
by DanielleDani1998
Summary: If you had the chance to go back in time and change things, would you? When Butters commits suicide, Kenny makes a deal with Death. But you know what they say - careful what you wish for.
1. Introduction

**Disclaimer: I do not own South Park. Any recognizable characters are the property of Matt Parker and Trey Stone. I do not make any profit off of my work; this is all purely fan-made.**

 **Introduction**

From the start, I could tell something wasn't right. Everyone seemed to brush it off, as if it was nothing. But I knew better. Butters wasn't himself. He wasn't cheerful and bubbly like he normally was. A depressing gloom replaced the normal sparkle held in his bright blue eyes. Summer came around and even at a blazing 100 degrees, Butters still wore long sleeves. When asked about it, Butters would use the same excuse of ''I'm cold.'' I still knew better. I guess in a way, I knew something was really bothering him. One day, my suspicions proved to be correct. Butters had invited me to a sleepover as his house, since his parents were going out of town and he wasn't grounded for once. It started off pretty normally as we talked and watched YouTube videos. Then things went downhill. Butters and I had headed to the kitchen to make some dinner. As Butters reached to get a bowl out of the cabinet, his sleeve had slid down his arm, revealing multiple cuts all along his wrist. Before I could stop myself, I had grabbed the boy's arm, pushing the sleeve up his arm to his elbow.

''Butters, what the hell are these?'' I looked into his eyes, which were welling up with tears. He looked at me before yanking his arm out of my grasp. He turned his back to me and I felt a pang of guilt hit me. We stood in silence for a few moments until he finally spoke.

''Do you know what it's like, Kenny?'' Although he had control of his voice, I could still hear a slice of hurt behind his words. He didn't allow me to answer before he spoke again.

''Do you know what it's like to go through every day acting like everything is alright? Aw gee, of course you don't. I mean, you've got everything you could ever ask for. You've got parents who don't see you as a mistake, you've got decent grades, you play a sport, gee, you've even got Bebe…I don't gots none of that stuff.'' Since the beginning of middle school, Butters had become somehow even more of an outcast than he'd been back in elementary. It was no wonder he did that to himself…he thought no one cared. I knew I needed to tell someone. But I didn't…until it was too late.

I wasn't expecting what happened a week later. It started off as a normal Friday at South Park Junior High. The eighth grade was preparing presentations on our hopes and ambitions once we started high school. As we headed to the cafeteria for lunch, Craig had stuck out his foot, tripping Butters.

''Watch where you're going, fag!'' Craig taunted. All I could do was glare at the ebony haired boy as I saw tears well up in my friend's eyes. It was well known that Butters was gay. This was the treatment he received every single day and it honestly disgusted me. I stopped walking and reached out my hand towards the blonde.

''Hey buddy, need a hand?'' I offered. Butters simply pushed my hand away and ran off, tears streaming down his face. Butters was oddly silent the rest of the day. I kept glancing over at him worriedly throughout the day, but all I saw was a solemn look on his face each time. After school as he was walking out of the bathroom, I pulled him off to the side.''Butters, are you alright?'' I asked. He simply nodded at me but kept silent. I glanced down at his sleeve to see a wet red stain on the sleeve. Gently, I took hold of his wrist and rolled up the sleeve, being greeted by several bleeding cuts. They looked fresh.

''Butters, are these new? Were you cutting in the bathroom?'' My voice cracked in desperation. I prayed the answer was ''no''. Butters looked at me and nodded. Before I could ask any more questions, Butters gently took his wrist away and rolled the sleeve back down before boarding the school bus to go home. I wanted so badly to follow him, to make sure he knew someone cared...I wish I had done that. As I walked home an hour later, I had a really sickening feeling in the pit in my stomach. In a sudden rush of adrenaline, I ran as fast as my legs would carry me to Butters' house. As I approached the driveway, I realized that his parents were working overtime, judging by the empty driveway. I hurried to the front door to find it unlocked. I entered the boy's house to complete silence. That wasn't good.

''Butters?'' I shouted out. No response. The sinking feeling in my stomach grew more alarming.

''Butters?!'' Before I knew what I was doing, I was running up the stairs, praying and hoping that my gut feeling was wrong. I turned his bedroom doorknob to find it locked.

''Butters, open the door! Butters!'' In one last desperate attempt to make sure he was okay, I began ramming into the door, trying to break it down. Finally, I was able to break the door down and I entered his room. I gasped in horror at the sight in front of me.

''Butters...no!'' I ran to his limp body lying on the floor at his bedside. His skin was like ice and his face pale.

''Butters...Butters, please!'' I was crying now, my body shaking with sobs. As I looked up, I noticed a piece of paper on his nightstand. I raised a shaking hand to the nightstand and sobbed as I began to read the all too familiar handwriting.

 **To whoever is taking the time to read this,**

 **You never thought it would come to this, did ya? I seemed happy, right? Wrong. I haven't been happy for a long time, fellas. A very long time. And yet none of you cared enough to even notice how I was truly feeling. So I guess I'll start here. My name is Leopold ''Butters" Stotch. I was born on September 11th, 2001 to Linda and Stephan Stotch. And today, I committed suicide. You fellas may be askin' yourselves, ''Why?" Well, I'll tell ya why. Ever since I was a little kid, I've been the laughingstock of South Park. For years I've been bullied, outcast, abused, taken advantage of and even sent away. You think that wouldn't affect me? Well, you thought wrong. I have feelings just like the rest of ya. None of you seemed to care about that, though. To all you guys, I was just your punching bag. That said, I have a few things to say to a few people.**

 **Eric,**

 **Why'd ya treat me the way you did? I used to say that you were my best friend. I guess I didn't process all the things you'd done to me at the time. And you'd done a lot, Eric. What happened when we hit middle school, Eric? Was I suddenly not worth the time anymore? Did you forget about me? Well, that's okay, I guess. Nobody really thought I was worth it, anyway.**

 **Kyle and Stan,**

 **You two were always kind to me, again, until we hit middle school. What happened to our friendship, fellas? I understand that Stan, you became involved with sports and a girlfriend and you Kyle, your studies and clubs. But was there ever any time for poor old Butters? Would it have killed ya to say hi to me once in a while? I guess I see where I stand with you guys, too.**

 **Kenny,**

 **Thanks for always bein' there. You were really my best friend all along. And I'm sorry for this, Kenny.**

 **To the rest of ya, gee, what do I say? You never cared anyway. I know my suicide won't affect a lot of you, but at least I know Kenny will care. I'm really sorry Kenny...it's just my time. So, I guess this is goodbye. I'm sorry that I couldn't be of any worth to you, South Park.**

 **Sincerely,**

 **Leopold "Butters" Stotch**


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

I sat on the living room couch as the paramedics carried Butters' body out of the house on a gurney. Tears continued to roll down my cheeks in thick streams as I desperately tried to remove the image of Butters' lifeless body from my mind. Linda and Stephan Stotch stood out on the front lawn, talking to the police chief about Butters. Linda was crying, holding onto her husband's arm for support. I turned my gaze down to the floor of the neat and tidy living room. I could've stopped it; I could've stopped him. Why hadn't I told someone what Butters was doing to himself? I could've helped prevent this from happening…but I didn't. I lifted my head slightly as another officer approached me.

''Kenny McCormick?'' He asked. I sniffed and nodded in clarification. The officer nodded solemnly and sat down next to me on the couch. I could tell by the clipboard in his hands that he was here to ask me some questions about my classmate's death. I removed my hood from my head, revealing my tangled and greasy blonde mop.

''You're here to ask me some questions about Butters,'' My voice shook but I had to keep my composure. I couldn't break down here, not right now, ''aren't you?'' I finished, choking back a sob. The officer, noticing my distressed state, simply nodded.

''Yes, but don't worry, it won't take long. Now Kenny, I just want to make sure you know that honesty is of vital importance here. When you answer my questions, I want you to tell me the truth and nothing but the truth. That means no white lies, no exaggerating the truth or undermining the situation. Is that understood?'' The officer began. I blinked back some more tears threatening to fall and nodded in understanding. The officer cleared his throat and asked me his first question.

''Kenny, from your knowledge and understanding of the situation, how did Leopold Stotch die?'' Of course, that would be the first question I'd be asked. I swallowed anxiously and took a deep breath.

''Suicide…he died from suicide, sir.'' I answered as calmly as I could manage. The officer scribbled something down on the clipboard and proceeded to the next question.

''What form of suicide did Leopold use to end his life?'' I couldn't stop the tears this time. I let them fall freely and choked on my response.

''It was an overdose, sir.'' I heard the pencil scribbling on paper again and I waited until I heard the officer speak again.

''Kenny, were you aware of anything happening in the deceased's life that may have drove him to this? Do you know if Leopold participated in any harmful habits or activities, such as self-harm?'' I squeezed my eyes shut at this question as I tried to think. There were so many different ways I could answer this one. I sighed and decided to just be completely honest. After all, lying wouldn't help the situation at all.

''I know he was a victim of some pretty heavy bullying at school. He was constantly being picked on and abused by the other kids just because of his sexuality. He was continually tripped, shoved, beaten up, called names, and sometimes cornered because he was openly gay. About a week ago, I found out that he **_was_** participating in self-harm. I'd seen a bunch of scars and cuts on his left wrist. He came out of the bathroom at school earlier today with a fresh blood stain on his sleeve...'' I couldn't continue. I hiccupped and waited for any more questions.

''Okay…I just have one more question Kenny: if you knew Leopold was self-harming, why didn't you tell his parents or a teacher?'' I was afraid this question would come up. Again, I was completely honest.

''I felt it wasn't my place to tell. I figured that if he wanted help, he'd tell someone himself. I never thought he'd ever resort to this, I really didn't. He was a happy kid, regardless of all the bullying and torment, at least I **_thought_** he was.'' I answered. The officer finished scribbling that little bit of information down before bidding me farewell and getting up to leave. I pulled my knees up to my chest and buried my head in my arms as I heard the coroner drive off. Stephan tapped my shoulder and told me I better head on home. As I left the Stotch residence, only one thought ran through my mind. **_I could've stopped it…_**

* * *

The news about Butter's death spread around the town like wildfire. By Monday morning, the entire school knew what had happened. That's what happened when you lived in a small little town: word traveled fast. My classmate's eyes followed me as I walked down the hall to my locker. Kyle and Stan were already there waiting for me. I entered my combination and threw my stuff into the metal container before slamming the door shut.

''Dude, Kenny, I just heard about it this morning. What the hell happened, dude?'' Stan asked. I sighed and looked away from them, my hood bunched around my face, exposing only my eyes just like I was used to.

''I really don't want to talk about it right now, guys. The wound is too fresh still, I need some time.'' I said, my voice muffled by my parka. At that moment, Cartman came rushing towards us, a huge smile plastered onto his face.

''You guys! You guys, is it true? Is Butters the Fag really dead?'' I noticed Kyle and Stan giving him a warning look. I sucked in a deep breath as my blood began to boil in anger.

''This is hilarious, you guys! Suicide, fucking suicide, guys! Oh my god, this is too good to be true!'' Cartman was bent over in hysterics, wiping a few tears from his eyes occasionally from laughing so hard. Before I knew what I was doing, I turned around and shoved Cartman into the row of lockers, _hard._ I heard a clang as his head made contact with the metal and he fell to the ground.

''Kenny, what the fuck?!'' He spat angrily. I didn't care about his pathetic feelings at the moment.

''Fuck you! Fuck you, Cartman! He was your friend, you fat fuck! It's just like you to not care about anyone but yourself!'' I snarled before swinging my semi-empty backpack over my shoulder and heading to first period, leaving a dumbstruck Cartman, Stan and Kyle behind.

* * *

I was silent for the rest of the day. By the time lunch came around, I was on my way home. I didn't feel like staying the remainder of the school day, there was no point in my opinion. I walked through the front door to my father passed out on the couch with several Pabst Blue Ribbon cans scattered around him.

''Fucking drunk,'' I muttered as I stalked past him and headed to my bedroom. I threw my ratty old backpack onto the floor and flopped down on my same old dirty mattress that I called my bed. My family's financial stability was still poor and almost nonexistent. We had less money now than we'd had when I was nine, and that was due to my father's excessive drinking habit and my mother getting laid off from work. I was lucky if I could find something edible for my sister and myself to eat.

My brother Kevin had dropped out of high school as a freshman and the family hadn't heard from him since. Some say he ran away. I wouldn't blame him if that were true. The very thought had crossed my mind on more than one occasion. But I couldn't leave, not without Karen. She was the only thing that kept me going now, that gave me a purpose in life. I growled in anger and swung my fist at my bedroom wall, leaving a gaping hole in it. I stewed silently until I finally managed to drift off into a light sleep, wishing I could find some way, any way, to bring Butters back.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

The sun streamed in through my dingy bedroom window, reflecting off the chipped walls and shining in my eyes. I groaned in mild annoyance as I slid myself off my mattress and threw on my parka, pulling the drawstrings tightly so my hood scrunched up around my face. As I had fallen asleep the previous night, I came across an idea on a way to bring Butters back. Today, I would put that plan into effect, and take whatever consequences I had to, as long as it meant bringing Butters back. I grabbed my ratty old backpack from the floor and headed towards the bus stop, where my friends would witness the first stage of my plan.

* * *

The snow crunched under my feet as I walked, reminding me of the reason why I wanted to bring Butters back in the first place. He was, in many ways, like snow. He was fragile, but ferocious when he needed to be. He was adored by many, but also despised and criticized at the same time. Despite all of this, you simply needed a person like Butters in your life. They made life worth living, especially when you found yourself in a situation like many of the ones the citizens of South Park often found themselves in. I arrived at the bus stop, where Kyle and Cartman were arguing as per usual, Stan standing on the sidelines, not getting involved. I rolled my eyes and went to stand next to Stan, trying to ignore the bickering of our other two friends. As soon as Cartman spotted me, he stopped his argument with Kyle and waddled towards me. As I expected, he pulled a quarter out of his pocket, waving it in front of my face.

''Kenny. Kenny. Want a quarter, Kenny?'' He was poking fun at my family's financial struggles, this I already expected. I had to roll with it though, it was part of the plan. I reached for the coin but Cartman moved his arm out of my reach. He smirked, seeing that I was taking the bait.

''You want the quarter, Kenny? Alright. Fetch!'' On cue, Cartman tossed the silver coin into the street, not noticing the car coming down the stretch of road. Pretending that I wasn't aware of the car's approaching, I wandered into the middle of the road where Cartman had tossed the coin. I picked up the quarter before I heard Kyle and Stan's panicked shouts of ''Kenny, look out!'' I stood up straight and looked straight into the headlights of a speeding vehicle. I closed my eyes, knowing what was coming. I was only a little surprised at the familiar sharp pain of a vehicle making contact with my body. I felt myself get tossed to the side by the impact and all I heard was Kyle and Stan's desperate shouts before I felt the life leave my body.

* * *

I opened my eyes to semi-darkness and stood up slowly, free from any lasting pain from the hit and run. A dark figure stood in front of me, and I immediately recognized this figure.

''Kenneth McCormick, we meet once again.'' Death greeted me, his voice silky and menacing. I pulled my hood down, allowing my greasy and tussled hair to fall loosely on my head.

''Death. I was hoping I'd encounter you. I have a favor to ask.'' I began. Death stalked closer to me, his eyes piercing into mine.

''What can I do for you, Kenneth?'' He prodded me to continue. I took a deep breath before beginning my proposal.

''My friend Leopold Stotch committed suicide on Friday. I want you to bring him back.'' I requested. Death grinned and came even closer to me, his black cloak dragging on the floor lazily, his scythe gripped firmly in his fist.

''Now Kenny, you know what I will require from you in order to bring young Leopold back.'' I sighed, knowing he would bring that up.

''I know…and I'm willing to give it up for Butters. Please consider it…I, I love him. I thought it was just a crush at first, a meaningless affection for someone who I found cute. But after I found Butters dead in his bedroom from an intentional overdose and I read that suicide note, I realized that it wasn't just a silly little crush. Death, I swear, if you give me this, I will never ask you for anything again. Just please…let me do this for Butters.'' I paid no mind to the tears welling up in my eyes. Death saw my determination and nodded.

''Very well, Kenneth. I shall return Leopold to you, if that is what you desire. However, I believe you know what has to be done first.'' Death reminded me. I nodded and closed my eyes softly, preparing myself for the deed that needed to be done. Death raised his scythe and a bright white beam emitted from the tip, engulfing me. I tried my best not to scream as my immortality was ripped from my body. The white light vanished within seconds and as it did, my world went black.

* * *

I awoke in my bedroom the next day, meaning it had to be Wednesday. As my eyes adjusted to the light, I was shocked at what I saw. On my bedroom floor lay a scrawny boy, his blonde hair falling in small strands around his face and on top of his head and his turquoise sweater only too familiar. I shakily stood and walked towards him, jumping a bit in surprise as he shifted and his eyes slowly fluttered open, looking up at me. Faded scars showed on his wrists as his sleeves had slid up in his sleep, and I felt butterflies form in my stomach.

''Butters?''


End file.
